@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

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@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@cynthiajones11

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@Vodkantots

“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES