Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”


“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”


Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.


I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.


BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.


[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]