Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.