Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
How it started: How it’s going:
