Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Nigella has gone too far this time.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”