Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
NASA has no chill
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.