Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
True freaking story!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up