Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

That 👊

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.