Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

🙅🏻

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

🐠