Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.