Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
So, can we agree on 4 or
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”