Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

anyone else like Italian cereal

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.