Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.