Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

#math

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times