Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.