Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*