Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.