Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…