Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks