Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?