Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me