Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: