Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕