Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?