@SexyInsomniac

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

@ArfMeasures

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

@SalimAliAhmad

Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?