Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …