Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
i’m so sick of this guy
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
my nickname in college
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.