Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out