Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT