Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man