“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.