“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Yup.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Doggies just call it style.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6