“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.