flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner