Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Haha good job!!

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Simple enough.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us