Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
is this meant to deter me
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess