welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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I didn’t come here to be called names
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
this site is so cooked lol
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.