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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.