Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

This 4th of July, please remember…