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Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.