Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Knock Knock

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)