Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before