Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…