welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
this chia pet tastes awful
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*