Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.