Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Love it! 👍😂
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Its a hippotatomus
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go