Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If you know, you know
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*