Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
#CoronaOutbreak
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The Backseat Boys
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes