Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.