Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

🥲

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry