Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug