Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

These are so Plastic Man-core

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Banderslack Clamberdorch