Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
me hooking up with my ex
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING