Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*