Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
A dad and his duck
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes