Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Banana is the quietest snack
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Stop being racist to kettles.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.