Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.