Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Fluff me with a fork baby

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.