Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year