Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My work here is don’t.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.