Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Bring back the McRib

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.