Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I love wikipedia
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?