Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands