Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
You Might Also Like
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
THE AUDACITY. 😤
