Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???