Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
This is the one
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.