Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Bringing back this classic

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.