Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.