Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Finally, an explanation.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
bears
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
A wise man once said nothing.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.