Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

shampoo implies shampee

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

dead inside

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.