Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table