Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
dude it’s called proctologist
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas